open letter to Dog the Bounty Hunter

In the spirit Foulweather I would like offer up this open letter to Mr. Duane Chapman, aka Dog the Bounty Hunter.

First off let’s get the obvious out of the way. The people who gave you a contract for your show are clowning you. No doubt. Everyone knows that the ugly ass futuristic Oakley’s and dirt rock ultra-mullet, combined with the mini feather boas hanging down your temples are only there to drive the clowns home. You see, the thing is that people probably like your show because: a. there’s lots of violence and b. because it makes them feel like their lives are more meaningful than yours and your captives. Don’t get me wrong Dog, I’m not knocking your profession. I’m sure that it’s a good gig and perhaps even a necessary public service. But is it entertainment? And the prayer circles holding hands before you spray someone with mace in the face? Are you asking forgiveness before your pre-meditated attack? I don’t know how that would hold up at the pearly gates but surely in court pre-meditated violent acts are a no no.

Not sure how the locals in Hawaii feel about you and I dare not speak for them. However, I get the sense that in your holier than thou cavalier attitude going around arresting cracked out offenders you rarely show the Hawaiian people in anything but a negative light. And there’s not a whole lot of Hawaiians on TV so this really must make an impact on public perception. I wonder if you’re considered haole offender number one? Don’t you see that it’s people like yourself who are to blame for many of the social problems in Hawaii? I’m not gonna go into a deep discussion on the adverse social impacts of post-colonialism on local cultures but you get the idea.

Here’s the bottom line Mr. Dog. You represent all of the shitty American character traits that the world loves to hate. You are loud and overbearing. You use your religion like a badge to abuse people (by broadcasting for all to see their lowest moments) who you feel are in the wrong and lesser than you. You are a bigot. You willingly make an ass of yourself and your family for a fucking paycheck. And you flaunt all of it. But the biggest offense is that you have your little contrived self-deprecating act going making us think that you are working hard to be empathetic and god abiding for the good of society. You and GW Bush are the same excepting fashion.

So please stop playing yourself. Do your work and do it well but don’t use your captives as a means to add to the bond money you’re collecting. And stop proselytizing already it’s embarrassing. Maybe if you spend more time surfing you’d be less of a kook eh bra.